in loving memory

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I’ve tried to write this post multiple times over the past six days, each time unsuccessful. I considered not writing it at all, partly because I am just so sick of crying and partly because I was unsure if I wanted to publish something so personal and precious to me that may or may not matter at all to the people who read my blog. Obviously I ultimately decided that, like most everything I publish here, it will serve as something I can look back on and read in the future, and I know that my future self will be glad my present self published it.

If you follow me on Instagram, I’m sure you’re already well aware that my family is one member smaller as of last Thursday. I mentioned back in September that my sweet dog, Rosie, had cancer. And sadly, on October 30th, we had to let my babygirl go.
(I’m already crying. I hate crying. )
Last Wednesday was a particularly busy day. One of those days where you are out of the house for over twelve hours, and come home utterly exhausted. I arrived home around 9:30 pm, and mom told me Rosie hadn’t eaten all day. It’s funny how I immediately knew that tomorrow would be the day, without it saying it out loud. I spent the rest of the night with Rosie, stroking her fur and crying silently, knowing this was the last time I would get to say goodnight to her. Thursday morning I kissed her as I left for work, as I always do. Leaving the house that morning was one of the hardest thing  I’ve ever had to do, because I knew Rosie wouldn’t be waiting for me when I came home.
Rosie was always waiting for me to come home. During my school years she would wait on the edge of the driveway for my brother and I to get off the bus, every single day.She would run up to greet us so enthusiastically it seemed as if we had been gone for a year, not just a few hours. During my college years, when I would would visit home on the weekend, she would refuse to leave my side the entire weekend. Since I’ve graduated and started working, she would greet me at my car door every single time I came home from work. When I rode the horses, she would lie in the corner of the riding ring until I was done.  She was my shadow for 12 years.

I’ve been very, very lucky in my lifetime in that I have experienced very little loss. Until last Thursday,  I had never experienced that “moment” everyone talks about, the moment you realize that they really are gone, and you aren’t going to ever see them again. When I pulled in my driveway Thursday evening and saw Rosie wasn’t waiting for me, I lost it. I had the whole ugly cry face thing going on, and it sucked. Unless you have animals yourself, unless you know what it’s like to love an animal and know you are loved in return by that animal, you have no clue what it feels like ( and most likely think I am completely insane to be so upset by the loss of a pet).

I’m very thankful I got to spend 12 happy years with Rosie. The past week has been really rough, but I’ll be okay. Life goes on, but I will never ever forget those blue eyes. I miss you, Rose!

XO
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11 thoughts on “in loving memory

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