I am one of those people who struggle with rest. Taking a break. Chilling out. Sitting around and doing nothing.
This month I have the luxury of having no classes. A WHOLE MONTH. Considering that I had a mere two weeks’ vacation from school in 2013, I should be rejoicing. The first couple weeks after I finished my finals were amazing. However, as the days of January creep along, I find myself feeling restless. I always like to be moving, to be busy. I work best when I have a long to-do list. I am more focused, and find it generally easier to work when I have a plan. January is always a slow time at work, and while I expected it, it’s a major source of anxiety.
I have this constant, nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me I should be doing something more productive. I should be focusing my energy on something. I should have a project consuming my time. At the same time, I have another voice telling me that I should enjoy this time, I deserve a break, and that come February I will not have the luxury of this extra time. These voices argue constantly in my head, and it is driving me crazy.
I’m not complaining about this free time, as I know I am lucky to have this break, and others are not so lucky. It’s more about feeling that I do not deserve a break, and that I feel as though I need to be working hard all the time.
Sometimes I believe it comes back around to the whole “I’m in my twenties and have no damn clue what I’m actually going to do with my life.” And that if I am not working constantly to figure out what exactly I’m going to do then I should feel guilty about wasting precious time.
It all sounds so silly when I type it out and read it over.
Silly, but I am working on it. Learning that it is okay to take a break .